Do you say yes to everyone’s requests, even when you want to say no?
Do you avoid conflicts, even when you know you’re right?
Do you crave for compliments, even when you know you’ve done well?
Do you have a habit of saying sorry, even though you don’t need to?
If you answered YES to some of these questions, guess what? You’re normal — you like to please others, often at your own expense. That’s sometimes a good behavior to have to diffuse tense or difficult situations. Still, when you take this behavior to the extreme, it becomes unhealthy and harmful, and you could end up losing your identity, and people trample all over you.
Ultimately, you lose your sense of self-esteem.
That’s so important let me say it again. You lose your self-esteem because of your people-pleasing habits.
Why does this happen? Well, here’s five reasons why you’re a people pleaser, and after this explanation, I’ll share with you a few ways to control your desire to please others and regain your self-esteem.
1. You’re a conflict avoider. Some people go to any length to avoid conflict, and sometimes, the mere thought of a potential conflict drives their emotions upside-down. You please people to prevent any emotional turmoil within yourself.
2. You have a fear of rejection. Instead of voicing your opinion, even when you’re an expert on the topic, you shy away for fear people will oppose you. You are afraid of being rejected, so better to keep quiet and act dumb than share what you know. You please people to protect yourself.
3. You have a fear of disappointing others. The opposite of having a fear of rejection, you don’t want to let others down with your thoughts or actions, and this makes you withdraw from conversations or to state your point of view. You please people in the hope they will maintain their “positive” perspective of you.
4. You have an intense dislike of criticism. This happens when you feel that any criticism is an attack against you. So you please people hoping they won’t criticise you.
5. You have a guilt-complex. Saying no to others makes you feel guilty, so you would rather please people and do what they want instead of what you want.
If you’re wondering ho
w on earth you developed all these less-than-useful emotions, we can usually trace it back to significant events from your childhood to your early adult life. Well-intentioned but influential figures in your life could have imprinted this on your brain only for it to reappear many years later.
Well, it’s not all doom and gloom if you’re a people pleaser, and here are three ways to regain control of your life and your self-esteem.
1
Self-awareness + an intention to change is the start point.
Instead of denying you’re a people pleaser with little self-esteem, listen to your inner voice and of people who may have pointed this out to you. With self-awareness, you can then set a simple yet powerful intention to change for the better. This tip often sounds like some new-age mumbo-jumbo, but nothing in life starts without an intention — nothing!
2
Learn to let go.
As you begin your change process, you will still feel the pain of rejection, the torture of facing criticism, the fear of disappointing others. That’s normal and natural, and that’s why it’s vital to learn to let go. There are lots of useful and effective resources on Youtube, so find a video from a person that resonates with you and follow the lessons laid out for you. This is often in the form of guided meditation or hypnotherapy. Both work very well.
3
Find a support group, online or offline.
A support group understands your people-pleaser challenges; they empathise with you and help you let go. Enough said, join a support group.
4
Look for a therapist.
People-pleasing is something that is made familiar during childhood. Some children discovered the best way to belong and relate to their family members was through pleasing their immediate family and relatives. Or one of their parents wasn’t emotionally available, or abusive, so they learned to comply to survive their childhood. Whatever the root cause, it’s worthwhile delving deep with the help of a hypnotherapist. They will help you look at the beliefs and patterns of why, how, when, and where this people-pleasing pattern started, and to shift your people-pleasing beliefs towards healthy boundaries and relationships.
4
Look for a therapist.
People-pleasing is something that is made familiar during childhood. Some children discovered the best way to belong and relate to their family members was through pleasing their immediate family and relatives. Or one of their parents wasn’t emotionally available, or abusive, so they learned to comply to survive their childhood. Whatever the root cause, it’s worthwhile delving deep with the help of a hypnotherapist. They will help you look at the beliefs and patterns of why, how, when, and where this people-pleasing pattern started, and to shift your people-pleasing beliefs towards healthy boundaries and relationships.
It’s never too late.
And for those of you needing a little extra push and care, please contact me and let me help using my tools of hypnotherapy.
